Sexual Depravity
So I was feeling a little lazy this week and decided to just grab one of my blogs from MySpace and turn it into an article. Unfortunately for you, I’m a raging narcissist, so all my blogs are about me. This, in turn, means this article will be about me. At least all you people out there that loathe the very core of me can have a better reason for it now. Anyway, let’s get to it.
I rarely, if ever, have a girlfriend. I give a variety of reasons for my bachelorhood (I've been cheated on, I get bored, I just don't like dating, etc). While all of these statements are true, they aren't actually the reason I don't date. I simply don't date because I haven't found anyone that is "perfect" or near enough to my idea of perfect to believe that I could stay with them for any amount of time.
Obviously, the first thing I do upon seeing a potential fuck-mate is judge my level of attraction to her. This is determined by the usual factors of age, weight, and making sure her face doesn’t look like something out of a horror movie. I don’t put much consideration into the “tits or ass” debate; it doesn’t really matter to me that much. After taking all of this in, she’ll usually get a rating on a ten-scale. However, if she has piercings and/or tattoos, that rating will always go up. Any girl with numerous piercings and tattoos is going to be more attractive to me than a girl with no piercings or tattoos. I’ll use this example: Say I meet a girl one night who is an 8 out of 10. She’s very straight-edge; no tattoos, no piercings. I meet another girl the same night who is a 6, but has multiple tattoos and piercings. I’ll go for the 6 every time. Just as an aside, all of this happens in about 5 seconds, and I believe most people would call it “eye-fucking.” All guys do it.
Before I move on, I know that some of you are thinking, “God, he’s so shallow. What an asshole!” Let me explain this to you. If you are obese, you have the face of a baboon, your tits and lopsided, and you smell like skunk shit…you could very well be a beautiful person on the inside, but I have no intentions of finding out. Attraction is the bridge that allows people to find out about personality.
When I first meet a girl (and by meet I mean fuck), I do my best to find out her sexual boundaries. What I mean by this is that I ask basic questions like: "So...umm....if you caught me fucking your twin sister...would you be angry, or join in?" Through a series of innocuous questions like this, I determine her level of what most people would call sexual depravity. In most cases, the higher the level of sexual depravity, the higher the level of my attraction to her. I swear, when I find a girl that will have a threesome with me and her twin sister while watching/making a porn video, covered in chocolate syrup, asking me to pass the double ended dildo while I fuck her....I'll probably get married. Well...as long as she wants to cuddle when we're done...that's non-negotiable.
In addition to finding out what she'll do with me in bed (or kitchen, or car, or plane, or boat, or trampoline, or alley, or church), I try to find out about her personality. I firmly believe that sex is the most important part of a relationship (with me), but I also know that I wouldn't really want to hang out with someone outside of the house if she wasn’t intelligent, humorous, somewhat self-reliant, and a slew of other adjectives.
Then I look at the activities she participates in and interests she has, relative to my own. Enjoying going to strip clubs is definitely a plus, since it's an activity that relates to sex, but only if they actually enjoy going, and aren't just going to make me happy. As I said before, I love tattoos and piercings, so interest in that is also awesome. Beyond that: reading, watching movies, politics, world issues, and other things that we could conceivably talk about are all good. Another topic that I enjoy talking about is a toss up: religion. If she's an atheist or an agnostic, that's great. However, if she is religious, it would probably end badly. I just have an extremely rational (yes, rational) hatred of anyone who thinks God exists.
So basically, that's it. Now you see why I rarely date. And since I haven't even found a girl that the sex was perfect with, I can't imagine it will be happening anytime soon. Oh, and for those of you who are thinking, "I would never sleep with you...you're crazy" or "You're gross," you don't have to. You don't have to because if this bothers you, I probably wouldn't want to fuck you anyway. Well....unless you're unconscious.
I rarely, if ever, have a girlfriend. I give a variety of reasons for my bachelorhood (I've been cheated on, I get bored, I just don't like dating, etc). While all of these statements are true, they aren't actually the reason I don't date. I simply don't date because I haven't found anyone that is "perfect" or near enough to my idea of perfect to believe that I could stay with them for any amount of time.
Obviously, the first thing I do upon seeing a potential fuck-mate is judge my level of attraction to her. This is determined by the usual factors of age, weight, and making sure her face doesn’t look like something out of a horror movie. I don’t put much consideration into the “tits or ass” debate; it doesn’t really matter to me that much. After taking all of this in, she’ll usually get a rating on a ten-scale. However, if she has piercings and/or tattoos, that rating will always go up. Any girl with numerous piercings and tattoos is going to be more attractive to me than a girl with no piercings or tattoos. I’ll use this example: Say I meet a girl one night who is an 8 out of 10. She’s very straight-edge; no tattoos, no piercings. I meet another girl the same night who is a 6, but has multiple tattoos and piercings. I’ll go for the 6 every time. Just as an aside, all of this happens in about 5 seconds, and I believe most people would call it “eye-fucking.” All guys do it.
Before I move on, I know that some of you are thinking, “God, he’s so shallow. What an asshole!” Let me explain this to you. If you are obese, you have the face of a baboon, your tits and lopsided, and you smell like skunk shit…you could very well be a beautiful person on the inside, but I have no intentions of finding out. Attraction is the bridge that allows people to find out about personality.
When I first meet a girl (and by meet I mean fuck), I do my best to find out her sexual boundaries. What I mean by this is that I ask basic questions like: "So...umm....if you caught me fucking your twin sister...would you be angry, or join in?" Through a series of innocuous questions like this, I determine her level of what most people would call sexual depravity. In most cases, the higher the level of sexual depravity, the higher the level of my attraction to her. I swear, when I find a girl that will have a threesome with me and her twin sister while watching/making a porn video, covered in chocolate syrup, asking me to pass the double ended dildo while I fuck her....I'll probably get married. Well...as long as she wants to cuddle when we're done...that's non-negotiable.
In addition to finding out what she'll do with me in bed (or kitchen, or car, or plane, or boat, or trampoline, or alley, or church), I try to find out about her personality. I firmly believe that sex is the most important part of a relationship (with me), but I also know that I wouldn't really want to hang out with someone outside of the house if she wasn’t intelligent, humorous, somewhat self-reliant, and a slew of other adjectives.
Then I look at the activities she participates in and interests she has, relative to my own. Enjoying going to strip clubs is definitely a plus, since it's an activity that relates to sex, but only if they actually enjoy going, and aren't just going to make me happy. As I said before, I love tattoos and piercings, so interest in that is also awesome. Beyond that: reading, watching movies, politics, world issues, and other things that we could conceivably talk about are all good. Another topic that I enjoy talking about is a toss up: religion. If she's an atheist or an agnostic, that's great. However, if she is religious, it would probably end badly. I just have an extremely rational (yes, rational) hatred of anyone who thinks God exists.
So basically, that's it. Now you see why I rarely date. And since I haven't even found a girl that the sex was perfect with, I can't imagine it will be happening anytime soon. Oh, and for those of you who are thinking, "I would never sleep with you...you're crazy" or "You're gross," you don't have to. You don't have to because if this bothers you, I probably wouldn't want to fuck you anyway. Well....unless you're unconscious.